October 29, 2020

A Note in Anger: Full Circle

You are cold and heartless. 

How can you try to convince me that you give a shit repeatedly, only to turn around and completely rip away any hope I had for comfort. It crushes me that I even consider believing you at times. I am so fucking stupid. 

I do not exist to you outside of your own convenience. I know I am a headache to you. I am just someone you accidentally found yourself with and I know you regret being with me. I am sure you always have. I believe you knew from the beginning that I was a mistake, but you were unsure of yourself then too, so you hesitantly continued on. At some point it just became too late. I know you do feel pity for me at times, but it is only because of the years we have been together and nothing more. 

I have spent my life being hurt and disappointed in the people who were supposed to care for me, supposed to be there for me. Why do you even pretend that you are not meaning to do this same thing to me. There is literally no way that you cannot understand how you impact my emotional state in a further damaging way when you choose to add hinderance, or when you choose to avoid even attempting to be of any sort of assistance in my emotional healing. 

You are not at fault for who I am or for my actions. However, you are at fault for constantly trying to make me believe that you accept me for who I am, that you want to be there for me, or that I can count on you. YOU ARE AT FAULT FOR THAT. 

I say fault because you are trying to convince me to feel this false possibility. This possibility that my emotions aren’t all on me, that you want to help me with them, but then you don’t! It’s like you choose to abandoned me when I need you the most. 

You spend this time convincing me that I am safe to come to you, and when I naively fall for this possibility and open myself up, you make me feel like a fool and leave me there in that moment by myself. And I hate you for it. 

I hate you for allowing me to feel so sad and alone. I hate you for always leaving me mentally when I need you the most. I hate you for giving up on me mid conversation because it became no longer easy for you. I hate you for allowing me to feel like I don’t have to do this on my own and then ripping away that hope. Maybe hate isn’t the right word. Well, I know hate isn’t the right word. But I don’t know what the right word for this is. 

I feel devastated by you at times. I feel betrayed. I feel like my whole world literally crumbles and my meaning in life is nothing when you leave me to myself and lost in my own head. My heart hearts, my physical chest, and I feel sick to my stomach. It is like my emotions are breaking like bones would. In those moments I am empty and I can’t even move, in my head I am stuck. 

I think of my mom, I think of this desperation I had for her love. In these moments I experience the same desperation. It is stupid. I don’t hate you, I don’t hate her, but somehow I fucking hate everyone. More than anything else, I hate my mind, I hate being this way. 

You are the most supportive person I have ever had. Now that comparison isn’t saying much because you are damn near the only supportive person I have had. So saying that you are the most supportive, doesn’t even begin to give you enough credit, because it could imply that there is a possibility that you aren’t that supportive, but you are just the most supportive that I have ever gotten to experience.

But no, I want there to be absolutely no mistaking this. If the world could line up a group of truly supportive people, you would without question be in attendance. You are beyond supportive of me. You are sometimes blindly and stupidly supportive of me. You are there for me in everything and through everything. Which is likely why I feel safe enough to share all of this hard emotion with you. 

Even when you don’t handle things the right way, which none of us do, you are still always there for me. Despite some of my immediate words and reactions when I irrationally feel that false sense of abandonment, I still do know how hard you try. I know that you have moments of overwhelm and I honestly don’t understand how you don’t have more of them in dealing with me. I know I take those moments of your overwhelm way too personally. I couldn’t even imagine how you would feel if you took all of my moments of overwhelm personally, like I do with you. You are so patient with me. You have educated yourself so much and I know you have only done so, so that you are better able to be my partner in life and in mental health.

I experience painful regret that I feel the way I do above when we have those very few and far between moments. They just feel so amplified when they happen. I can’t seem to pull myself from that dark space, I feel unable to bring myself back in that moment. I can’t rationalize all of these things that I actually know to be true when my emotions are that high. 

I am safe with you. I have no true doubt about that. Although my imposter may tell me otherwise, and my trauma may try to tell me otherwise. I thank you for being understanding of that. Thank you for supporting me through my unfair accusations against you. Accusations that we both know to be untrue. Thank you for your patience with my hurtful racing thoughts. Thank you for providing me with the safety to always be able to speak them to you.

I love you. I don’t think that statement is even good enough because I feel like the word love doesn’t even begin to explain what I have with you. The me who exists now would have never been able to exist without you. The gratitude and the love I have for you is indescribable.

To everyone aside from my spouse who is now reading this entry… I hope that you can find the message in this. This is extremely personal and the takeaway is very specific but I just feel like so many of you can relate to this. I hope you are able to understand what this message was intended for.  

OKAY BYE! 🙂

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