May 30, 2020

To Be Continued… #1

Just to preface here, I have struggled with mental illness for very literally as long as I can remember. I hold a long list of mental illness diagnoses. They sometimes get confusing, even for me, because there is so much symptom overlap between each one of these illnesses. With that being said, I am not certain if anyone, including myself, even knows the exact diagnoses I hold. What I do know, are my symptoms, my experiences, my pain, and my emotions. 

To Be Continued… #1

I have hit one of my lowest struggling points with my mental health in this past half year. It had been a pretty fast downward spiral. I was in therapy but I lost my insurance a year and a half ago and I could not afford to keep seeing my current therapist. Around that time I was making big positive life changes, and it felt okay to be without therapy because I felt like I was doing really well. And I was, until I wasn’t. 

So I have recently reached out and found my way into cost effective therapy and I have had four sessions so far. At times it has seemed to unravel even more emotional overwhelm because of this build up that had been occurring for quite some time, but I know that it sometimes get worse before it gets better.

I am going to go back to a couple of months ago and I am more than certain I will time jump throughout my time blogging, taking time to speak on whatever I feel in the moment.

During the beginning of my latest struggle, I had refreshed myself on my most recent psychological evaluation. To some, that might sound like a bad idea, but honestly it was refreshing. 

I spend an abundance of time unintentionally being negative and disgustingly cruel to myself… “How can I be so stupid? You’re being pathetic, you’re just being an ungrateful …!!” I scream. Then I impose my opinion of myself into the thought of how I think other people must also see me.  “People think you are attention seeking. My God everyone wishes you would just shut up and stop being so dramatic. No one cares to hear your self pity.” Then when I have had enough with those thoughts, I find myself back at “You’re undoubtedly a fraud, you contradict yourself at every turn and you literally do not make any sense.”

So needless to say, to take a step back from the negative self-talk and actually validate and remind myself that these things I deal with, these overwhelming symptoms I experience every single day, are beyond real and they are right here on this paper in front of me. For a second I even remember, I have so many reasons for cause behind what has led me to my mental health battle. I needed this, it gave me the ability to ease up on that toxic negative head space, for a short while at least. 

In reading my evaluation, this time being years later, everything registered differently. One thing in particular stuck out, and this was the talk of my severe emotional instability. This, along with many other things and terms that caught my attention, caused me to further investigate this “Borderline Personality Disorder”. Oh my gosh, I truly do not have a clue as to how I did not research this back then. I am the google QUEEN, are you kidding me? But in my defense, I was so preoccupied at that time with my then debilitating panic and derealization disorders, and I was desperately looking for answers and help in those specific areas, so these other symptoms that were described in this evaluation were not at the top of my topic list to educate myself on. 

Anyways, after that research, I was genuinely at a loss. I had a life shattering revelation if you will. Literally, my childhood, my relationships, (or lack thereof I should say), the way I am and the way my brain works on an everyday basis. Holy shit, this SCREAMED me… 

To be continued

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