February 19, 2020

To Be Continued… #3

Last week, those were merely a small amount of examples of my paranoia. I could, and possibly will eventually, go on for days about my paranoid thoughts that consume me. 

Logically, I can understand those certain things I discussed aren’t likely, but logic just does not easily win when you can feel these things to be true with every part of yourself. Avoidance helps, short term anyways. Some may say avoidance can feed into the delusions or whatever you may choose to call them. I disagree, when I force myself outside of my comfort zone, when I attempt to go and do things alone to “desensitize” myself from these fears, they only seem to grow larger in these moments. I know avoidance can supposedly do more harm than good when speaking for the longevity of dealing with paranoia and agoraphobia, I am just saying that exposure therapy alone doesn’t seem to be helping me through these things. 

I swear sometimes it is like the older I get, the more scared I become. The more unsure of who I am I become…

On a positive note, I know I am a great mother. Don’t get me wrong, I question my abilities all of the time, and my negative self-talk takes me on roller coasters about this topic… Even still, at the end of every day, I have never doubted my true ability as a mother. I do have fears about the future, but that dives back into my paranoia and we’re trying to keep this section positive. 

I have my children to thank for this too. These kind, creative, empathetic, passionate, supportive, intelligent children that I have raised. They give me hope that through every purpose in life that I have given up on or failed at, that I have in fact not failed at everything. When all else fails (or I just chose to drop it like a hot cake), I have my children to remind me that I have been able to maintain an incredible level of strength, even if only for their sake. 

I would never, and I do mean never, not do everything in my power to protect and educate my children. I have and will continue to set my children up to have the most confidence in their abilities and in who they are as people. I never wish for them to question who they are at their roots. 

I communicate with my kids about life every single day of theirs. I want the most stable life for my children. I want them to know how to process and communicate through emotion. I want them to be confident in who they are, and for them never to question the love and support they will always have in their father and I. It also makes me physically sick to think about how much I love my children. I can easily cry every single time I think about how much I love them. It physically hurts my chest. I am terrified of something happening to them. Oh no, here it goes again. This overwhelming and seemingly unstoppable rush of intrusive thoughts…

I just stopped to take a breath and tried to come back from that. While taking a second, as I have to do often to gather and try to clear these thoughts, I notice my shoulders all the way up to my ears, my tension is almost indescribable and this stress is all behind my heightened emotions, over hypotheticals. It is this that I do not understand how to control.

How can I control these emotions? How can I be more at peace? My therapist says this will be harder for me because I don’t have a memory of “peace” that I can revert back to. My life was a snow ball of trauma after trauma, my body didn’t get to experience safety or true comfort. She is right, I genuinely do not understand what being calm would even look like for me. What would I be like if I didn’t have these thoughts, this damaged brain? What is supposed to go in its place?

To Be Continued…

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